A neurotics life

For a week I've been so psyched up about April 8 for a couple of reasons: 1. its my birthday 2. its dante's bday 3. we my girls and the wafo gang are going to the beach 4.dante(my beau)made me this uber cool skim..all rasta!!more than what i expected.. 5.it's our anniversary So here i was, rising up to greet the sun at the break of dawn..waiting for a text from my twin bestfwends. Expecting a txt to confirm our day out in the beach or maybe just a simple bday greeting. But you know what..nada..zilch..none.. nothing.. 6 o'clock came.. 7... 8.. my bday cake was already waiting for me.. 9 o'clock..i called them up..i can't resist it any longer..Tita Aline said that maybe they have a surprise lined up for me..and yeah they do indeed have a surprise for me.. guess what is it? the plan was canceled coz the freakin wafo gang have a freakin TESDA class..Those freakin guys chose a petty vocational class over me!!!my ego can't take it.I can't take it!!! I thought I was the princess of the clique!!! It wassoooo infuriating!! I slammed the phone at wawaws ears ( the other half of the twinset). I called Liza, asked her if she can go with me to the beach..and she can bring along her bf-edward...the lead singer of madclowns..she said they just broke up. And i broke up..literally..my throat became constricted..my eyes stinged and salty tears pour incessantly from my myopic eyes. I said a hasty goodbye. Put on my earphones and listened to Bob marley's hits on my discman..a perfect background to my wailing. I pounced on the chocolate cake my aunts had for me. I was so mad and depressed. I texted dante if i can bail out o our date for that day coz im not in the mood. As usual and as can be expected from my ever loyal tidan..he said that i just calm down, dry my tears up and he'll take me to the beach and we'll skim although i know that his greatest fear is not loosing me but breaking his arm..his precious arm..much worse if its his arms. Halfway through my bday cake, the phone rang. I just knew it was either tata, wawaw or liza on the phone. My cellphone was ringing too. I upped the volume of Could You Be Loved trying so hard to drone the tattoo of the phones. Ding..dong..I just knew its the dynamic duo..I hid underneath the love chair and begged my tita to lie for me. To tell the twins to go away and that i'm not there.Shoo..and off they go..They sounded frantic.I just wish i could see their freshly-gotten-out-of-the-bed-look. After a few minutes of silence and more crying..both the telephone and my cellphone are crazily ringing again. No siree, I won't answer that. My aunt tried to console me but i was way beyond the turning point. I was sad.depressed. i felt abandoned.Shipwrecked. Tita read the messages which i refuse to open in my inbox.She decided to reply to wawaw, i listened to tita read their exchange of text messages. They are at each others throat wawaw said. and that ema is out for blood. I can't let that happen. Our friendship falling apart just because of my prima donna attitude so i called waw. She said that we are going to the beach w/ or w/o the gang. I was oo happy that i cried again..wheee.. Off i went w/ my 3 best buds and emas bf, the weird simoncpu and my dante w/ my lovely skimboard that's making me feel irei. I skimmed..skinned my knees..the guys came in late just to say hi to me. I was happy..Blissfully happy.. Some things may start out badlay but they may also end up superbly. This is one of the greatest days of my life.

        Everything bores me..

        I went to Boracay a week ago and there i was..beachfront, Gloria's chopper buzzing in the air, blowing white sand on my myopic eyes, sand sticking to my greasy sunblocked skin and I still feel freakin empty deep inside.

        I sfhould be feeling euphoric. Ema my bestbud sooo wanted to step into this tourist paradise. But can't. Liz, my other bestbud, came back home from Bora a year ago w/ great stories to tell. But sadly, I don't feel euphoric and definitely not the least bit happy.

        I saw Butch, Dante's vegan friend. He and his band- Kadangyan, had a gig on one of the restos lining the beach. It painted a smile on my face..for a while.

        I saw pregnant women with their belly pierced traipsing around in string bikinis. It made my eyes pop out for a while but other wise, no excitement there.

        Corrals..Caves..a man selling icecream in a banca in the open sea...Pucca beach with it's endless shoreline was a big highlight. There was a long-bearded man meditating along the beach. Wow! That was soooo cool and so was the Butterfly Farm which made my entrepreneurial mind on overdrive. Here I am again..planning to open a butterfly garden here in the land of copras. Would that work? Wish me luck.

         Hey! I know now know how to snorkel. Lolx. That was fun too...for a while..and then the luster faded. Shopping in D Malll and in the talipapa or on the different stores littering the beachfront made me high too..for a while..nothing permanent. everything fades..sadly..and all i have of those sun-kissed days in Bora are pictures..of me and tita..white sand beaches...

         On my way back, I passed by Bacolod and visited my boyfriend unfortunately not per se. He was my first bf, first love. An answer to all my prayers:

1. boy scout
2. cute
3. intellegent
4. fairer than me
5. gentleman

    Unfortuately, I forgot to ask God for someone nearer my crib. Tsk!Tsk!

    So there I was , in the midst of the festivities of the Panaad Festival with the smell of chicken bacolod wafting in the air..meeting Melben after 3 long years.

    And what a big dif I saw from the Melben I used to love. WE never broke up formally. We just drifted apart.

1. fat - his cheeks are full
2. slouches
3. sad...looks real sad
4. married..tatay na tatay
5. smokes and drinks

     It makes me feel so sad how a fine man turned out to be such. He used to be PERFECT!!! and now i look at him and i see a different person. maybe that was why i was sooo speechless the entire time i was with him that night. i simply can't believe what i'm seeing.

      The only thing that's permanent is change. Even my boredom wans once in a while. I can't blame Melben. Like me and all the rest of the human population, we make mistakes. Some minor..some major..but all affects life. All actions affects our futures. And right now, my future is crushed.

     So I move on to another future w/ Dante..and I try to find meaning there. I  imagine spending the rest of my life w/ Him. Unfortunately, I've seen the rage of his jealousy last night and it scares me. I'm not dealing w/ a boy anymore like Darren. I'm dealing with a man. With lots of experiences and wisdom I can't surpass. I may hold the cards at  times but I still am a slave to his wiles.

     I contemplate another future w/ Darren. Strong willed..silent..deep..I don't know how to handle him. And that scares me.

     So many choices in life. So last night, to free myself from my dilemma, I have to let go of Dante an dthe easy companionship we have. Being with Dante is Zen itself. You don't have to worry and you know he'll take care of you. Yet I also know Darren will fight for me no matter what. And it irks me how my mind battles with my heart.

    So I'm letting time decide.

    I may be a Feminist, a Gabriela advocate but in real life the norms of this semi-feudal/semi-patriarchal society will always bind me to the hearth. And society will always judge me through the course of my actions.

 

    

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